11-25-2025 Reading back through some of my old entries, and found this one. It’s funny to see how much life has changed from just a few years ago. God, I was struggling so bad…

Yesterday was a pretty boring day. Kids came home from school, and Christian was home from work. We watched tv and just hung out.

I’ve been feeling incredibly anxious and irritated lately. I’m not really sure why, but everything is bothering me. Aydan won’t stop screaming about anything and everything. He’s been out of sorts for the past couple of weeks. I think I’ve mentally shut down. I’m pretty sure I have the winter blues. Every scream and outburst from Aydan makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I’m praying this depression I seem to be in will leave soon.

I’m so sick of hearing “mom” I want to run away. I’m sick of trying to talk to either Masan or Paige, but I can’t because Aydan won’t stop getting in people’s faces or screaming or making random noises or telling people to stop it. Something is off with him and it’s more than I can stand right now. I love him so much, but I just want him to sit and be quiet for like an hour.

Logan is being a perfect angel, but he’s 17 months, so…yea. Paige is being a typical teenager, sometimes she listens and sometimes she doesn’t, Masan is stuck in the middle with trying to figure out how to help out around the house, deal with Aydan, who is of course driving him crazy as well, and still be a kid who wants to have fun.

Christian is doing his best to keep the house moving and functioning (quite well, I might add) while I’m going through spurts of zoning out and feeling numb to the world. Then I get a jolt of energy, swap laundry, vacuum the floor, pick up toys, grab a snack, and then crash again on the couch. I want so badly to get up and go run on the treadmill in the other room, but my body says no which then convinces my mind to just stay put. My anxiety medication keeps me somewhat stable, but it’s not a miracle pill. I still have to deal with my feelings. Feelings I don’t understand or know where they are coming from.

I’m sure once the weather gets better and I’m able to get outside in the sunshine and warm weather, I’ll feel better. I need sunshine. I need warmth. I hate winter. I hate snow. I hate being cold. I used to think it was better to be cold than hot because there’s only so much you can take off before you’re naked and still hot. When you’re cold, you can just keep adding layers until your warm. The older I get, the more I just want to be outside in 90 degree weather listening to the birds sing and feeling the grass on my feet.

Spring, please come quickly. I need to break free from this funk.